When I start working with a new client, one of the first pieces of information I want to understand is how they experience and relate to their emotions. How comfortable are you to feel your emotions? How about expressing them with yourself and others? Do you tend to avoid them altogether? Do you have a rich emotion-descriptor vocabulary? Can you recognize when secondary and tertiary emotions are trying to protect you from your primary emotions?
If you're not sure about any of this, that is completely okay. Our society falls short when it comes to teaching children the intricate and diverse nature of experiencing emotions. Beyond learning the basics (I'm happy, sad, angry, etc), many of us go into adulthood without a comprehensive understanding of what our emotions are and how they are impacting our lives. The good news? This knowledge and these skills can be taught and acquired with intentional work. It is never too late for this work. I have worked with clients of all ages and backgrounds who have gotten in touch with their true emotions, learning how to sit with and process them, for the first time ever. And the result? They suffer less and spend this newfound time and energy on things that help them cultivate meaningful lives.
One of the first questions I get, especially from people who have become master avoiders, is this, "What's the point of feeling my emotions? Won't that just make me feel worse?". When I get asked this question, I know that the person asking has developed very effective strategies to avoid and distract. And, trust me, these avoidant mechanisms can work for years! Everything from keeping a full calendar, focusing on others' problems, using spare time to numb with wine or tv or social media. The list goes on. But here's the truth. There are no shortcuts to processing our emotions. If we move through our lives without taking the time to acknowledge and process what's with us, not only will our emotions have more control over us than we could ever imagine, but they also find other ways to manifest (e.g. poor sleep, gut problems, moodiness that impacts our relationships, staying stuck in limiting behavioural patterns, etc.).
So, here is the answer to the popular question: what's the point? This is the point: Emotions will always be a part of life, whether we like it or not. We will all experience the pain that comes from devastating loss, the fear of unknown circumstances, the anger associated with betrayal, the joy and peace of new beginnings...and if we get better at allowing them and accepting them as they come up, they will no longer control us. We get to choose how to live this precious life because we no longer have to spend time and energy avoiding loud emotions. We can make space for and nurture what's authentically with us. Not-so-ironically, the better we get at feeling our emotions, the less loud they often become. Why? Because fighting with our emotions (either consciously with shame and disapproval, or unconsciously through numbing tactics) stretches and strains us, causing further suffering. Allowing and accepting our emotions gives us the capacity to deal with what's at hand in the present moment, without interfering too much with our life and causing secondary problems.
This can be difficult and tender work depending on what you're going through. Especially with trauma, grief, and depression, it's important to find a therapist to help you navigate this journey at the right pace and within your window of tolerance. When emotions feel like too much, distraction and avoidance might be the safest option until you have a trusted professional to work with. And that's okay too.
Some ideas for getting in touch with your emotions:
Start a journalling practice and make it your own. It can be as simple as, "______ happened today and it made me feel ______". There is no right or wrong way to journal. It should be a practice that you look forward to and enjoy. If you try it a few times and realize it's not for you, that's okay! It won't be for everyone. Or maybe you haven't quite found your unique journalling style yet.
Download the free app, How We Feel. I have yet to come across another app that helps one put words to their emotions as much as this one does. You can set reminders for yourself throughout the day to take a beat and record how you're feeling.
Try the RAIN practice for self-compassion to help create space and accept what you're feeling. There are plenty of versions of this practice, one of my favourites being Tara Brach's guided meditation here.
Work with an emotionally-focused, trauma-informed therapist who you feel safe and comfortable with. Working with a therapist is a safe and often highly effective way to facilitate a deepening of engagement with your emotions. The process is tailored towards your specific and unique self to create lasting change.
Read The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. I believe this is one of the most impactful and actionable self-help books that you could read, and I often advise clients to read it in their spare time between our appointments. The practices of expansion and connection are invaluable tools for deepening engagement with our emotions.
That's it for now.
In kindness, love and gratitude,
Carly
If my work and writings resonate with you, I am here to help you along your journey.
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