One of the most common responses when I broach the topic of radical acceptance with clients is a conflation of ‘acceptance’ with ‘complacency’. For instance, “But if I accept myself as I am right now, aren’t I resigning to how things are?”. We are often taught that to create change in our life we need to stop accepting how we are and how things are altogether. Sometimes, this works in the short-term, e.g., “I am done accepting my body as is. I’m going on that restrictive diet”, only to gain all the weight back and then some several weeks later. Or, “I’ve been so disorganized and overwhelmed lately I need to get my shit together and reorganize my life completely”, only to get overwhelmed by this tall order and have nothing actually change in the long term.
I like to think of sustainable growth and development akin to taking care of a plant. For a seed to flourish into a beautiful plant, it needs to be tended to, cared for, and exposed to a nutrient-rich environment. Or, the walking-across-ice analogy: If we want to get from one side of the frozen lake to the other we need to make sure we have a steady foothold before taking the next step. All this to say, radical acceptance is not about resigning to how things are, it’s about embracing and nurturing yourself in every present moment to help you face your reality without added suffering, so that you can respond to it in a way that is most helpful for you.
What is it exactly?
In practice, radical acceptance means not fighting with the present moment, getting angry with it, or trying to change it into something it’s not.
How to develop the ability/capacity for RA?
1. Differentiating between your observing and thinking self. Observe your judgmental thoughts as they come into your awareness and then let them pass as a visualization. You can imagine your thoughts as clouds rolling by, waves crashing, or any other type of imagery that helps those judgmental thoughts simply come and go.
2. Write out or verbalize the upsetting situation, followed by writing out parts of the situation you have control over and parts that you don’t. Shifting your attention to what can be controlled or influenced in the here-and-now.
3. Observe your breath to help reconnect with the present moment. Set a timer for 3-5 minutes and any time thoughts wander, refocus on your breath. (Tip: If observing your breath is triggering in any way you can do this same practice but by scanning your external environment instead).
4. When you feel yourself getting upset by an experience or thought, say ‘thinking’ to yourself every time an unhelpful thought or judgment arises.
5. Practice creating space for any uncomfortable physical sensation or emotion that comes up. One way to do this is by simply being with the emotion instead of trying to avoid it or make it feel better. Offering some words of kindness towards it, “I’ve got you”, “It’s going to be okay”, “What do you need right now to feel safe?
You can start this practice asap. But often, these skills and the overarching practice of radical acceptance can take some time to get used to. Especially if these concepts are new for you, it can be incredibly helpful to work with a therapist to work through some of the roadblocks that will inevitably present themselves.
That’s it for now! I hope you find moments of joy today.
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