Boundaries have become a popular concept in modern self-help and pop psychology. But this concept can be elusive and leave people confused as to how they should be applying boundaries in their own lives. The reality is, boundaries are a vital component to a person's well-being and interpersonal relationships. Here are a few guidelines to help get you started.
1.What are boundaries? Boundaries are when we act in accordance with personal guidelines regarding how we want to live our lives. They are not about controlling the behaviour of others, but rather they are a set of rules/guidelines for helping us manage our own behaviour. Boundaries can include, but are not limited to, personal goals (e.g. budgeting, sobriety, discipline with exercise or other personal routines, etc.), physical space (e.g. not enjoying hugs), sexual preferences with a partner (e.g. enjoying certain things, not enjoying other things), communication preferences with friends and family (e.g. asking before stopping by, walking away if someone starts yelling, etc.), topics of conversations (e.g. not wanting to gossip or talk politics with friends), emotional boundaries (e.g. detaching from an outcome that is outside your sphere of control), amongst many more examples.
2. When was the last time you said yes when you really didn't want to? Getting comfortable with saying no is key to developing healthy boundaries. If you aren't saying no sometimes (or often), this is a good indicator your boundaries aren't being enforced. Disappointing one person momentarily will have fewer consequences than consistently and persistently not showing up for ourselves.
3. Define your boundaries, and let them change and evolve over time: Grab your journal and answer the following questions: 1. Can you think of certain aspects in any of your relationships that repeatedly stress you out or cause some sort of negative emotional reaction? If it happens repeatedly, this is a good sign that a boundary ought to be set. 2. Are there certain habits or endeavours you want to experiment with, but have been holding off out of fear of being judged or disappointing others? This is a good sign that you're putting the needs/comfort of others ahead of your own personal development, which is a barrier to setting boundaries. 3. What do you genuinely want your own space of rules to look and feel like? Brainstorm this. Maybe even create a vision board. 4. Once you have a list of some boundaries, now ask yourself 'why?'. It's important to deeply connect with your reasons for a boundary to properly enforce them.
4. Implement and reinforce your boundary: Implementing boundaries can be non-verbal (e.g. simply changing your behaviour without having to verbalize anything) or verbal (e.g. letting a friend know you don't like when they do a certain thing). Either way, connect with your why and your self-worth and expect that there might be some resistance from others at first (e.g. you've always been the 'party-er' in the group but are now experimenting with sobriety). It can be sad and disappointing when others do not respect or accept a boundary of yours, but boundaries are also about letting people react how they are going to react (think: your choice of behaviour, their choice of behaviour). In some cases, this means gently letting go of relationships, and in others it means the relationship simply needs some time to adjust. Changing someone else's behaviour should never be the goal of a boundary, as this will lead to further drama and toxicity in your life (e.g. I'm going to stonewall my spouse every time he fails to do the dishes so that he starts doing the dishes more). Boundaries are about gaining autonomy over your life and your needs, so you can stay as healthy as possible.
5. Self-reflect on how well you respect the boundaries of others: It's important to be honest with ourselves about when we have resisted or failed to accept the boundaries of others. Personal boundaries are a ticket to freedom, and so is respecting the boundaries of others.
By releasing our preoccupation with others' life choices, we liberate a significant amount of energy that can be redirected towards aspects of our lives that we can have more influence over.
Boundaries are a big part of the work I do with clients. If this post resonated with you and got you thinking about boundaries in your personal life, please feel free to connect with me by either booking in or sending me an email at carly@yourflowtherapy.com.
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